Blog · Equally Shared Parenting

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

ESP Couple on Good Morning America!

Tomorrow morning (Wednesday), Good Morning America will air a segment on co-parenting - focusing on how Mom and Dad can mesh and mingle their often-different parenting styles in a family with two very involved parents.

Naturally, the producers felt an ESP couple would make a great example of how this might be accomplished, and we were lucky to be consulted in the hunt. They picked a fantastic example - Real Life Story parents Richard and Melissa Lucius!

So tune in tomorrow sometime between 8am and 9am EST (and later on the Good Morning America website) to see Richard and Melissa and their two daughters in action. Dr. Kyle Pruett, author of Fatherneed, Why Father Care Is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child, will also be featured. And the host of the segment is GMA's parenting expert Annie Pleshette Murphy.

Congrats to Richard and Melissa!

Friday, August 15, 2008

ESP on MojoMom

This week, Marc and I enjoyed talking with Amy Tiemann about equally shared parenting on her MojoMom podcast. Amy is the author of the book, MojoMom: Nurturing Your Self While Raising a Family. When T was a baby, I remember really appreciating this book as one of the few I read that provided warm and hopeful discussions about motherhood. And reading it has turned me into a long-time fan and follower of her blog and podcast interviews. So it was fantastic to be invited on her most recent podcast to talk about ESP.

Amy's interest in ESP stemmed from a previous podcast with author Julie Shields. Julie is one of our all-time favorite equal parenting writers - her book, How to Avoid the Mommy Trap, is listed as one of our top resources for its practical, how-to advice on setting up an ESP relationship.

You can listen to our interview with Amy here and Julie Shields' interview here. Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Just a Thought

Lisa Belkin's Life's Work column last week tackled the issue of how businesses are helping employees handle the rising price of gas. In today's tanking economy (sorry, I couldn't resist), reducing gas consumption or paying for gas is one of the newest ways that companies can retain good workers.

One of the more common strategies to curb gas usage is to offer (or mandate) employees a compressed work week - typically four 10-hour days. I blogged recently about the City of Birmingham AL experimenting with such a plan, for one example. This idea has been met with anxiety by many parents who are concerned about how to make school drop-offs and pick-ups with the longer hours. And who don't like the idea of getting home so late each day that all they see of their children is how they brush their teeth. A real issue.

But what if this idea makes for an opportunity instead? Not just the perk of a routine 3-day weekend, but an opportunity for ESP. Say a two-income couple with kids is faced with compressed workweek offers. It is likely they would request to stagger their days to avoid increases in childcare (and resultant costs). So, for example, he elects to work Monday through Thursday, and she picks Tuesday through Friday. This automatically reduces their outside childcare needs to 3 days per week (and if they stagger their hours on those three days - say 7-5 and 8:30-6:30, they might not even need additional childcare hours on even those three days).

Even better, both parents now have a full day each week of solo-parenting time. Dad has a whole day to hang out with his kids, doing things his way without any supervision by mom. Pretty soon, dad is fully competent in his new weekly gig and starts to really enjoy it. Voila! Equally shared parenting is born! Pretty soon, this arrangement could lead to requests for four 8-hour days instead...just to take the edge off those long days...and then think of the possibilities for balanced lives!

I'm hoping that compressed workweek offers become more plentiful, as Lisa suggests they may. Not because they will work for everyone, but because they open up the doors for all sorts of possibilities that could. What would you do if your employer was willing to listen?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

ESP Down Under

We're happy to announce the newest addition to our growing Real Life Story collection - an Aussie tale from Judy and Gerry and their 5-year old daughter, 'Possum.' Judy found ESP.com while she was doing her PhD research on work/life/family balance (or interconnectivity, as she likes to call it) at the University of Queensland. Judy and Gerry practice what she's studying and blogging about (just like us!) and consider ESP to be a key to achieving balanced lives and strongly interconnected family lives. A bit later, I hope to have Judy guest-post here on her research. For now, you can also check it out on her blog, WoLFi TaLEs.

Please welcome Judy and Gerry to the world-wide ESP family - and let's hear it for connecting ESP families across the globe!

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Party Lessons

Follow-up from previous post....

Well, my inlaws came, they feasted, they laughed, and they left again. The house is quiet in comparison to the way it was just hours earlier, with the shrieks of many children running through sprinkers, playing jump rope and constructing marble runs all over our playroom. Now that our kids are in bed too, it is especially quiet - except for the sound of me bowing and scraping in front of Marc.

No one noticed a charge of guard.

There was plenty of food.

Fun was had by all.

My grand experiment to demote myself from Chief Party Director to Assistant to Party Director has been humbling. It got a little rough a few hours before as I watched Marc decide we didn't need the fruit salad he was originally planning to include. I got a little squeamish as I heard him ponder cutting up 4 stray plum tomatoes as a replacement dish to feed 30 people. I was a bit snippy as I asked him if I should perhaps be clearing the counter of stray papers to make room for the coffee pot. But when he sent me to pick up the bagels (awesome - I could make sure there were enough!), I had a little talk with myself.

"Amy," I said. "This is your equal partner and your chance to show that you mean it. And here you are fixated on outward appearances. You're going to blow it. Stop. Remember what's important here."

Despite all my fears, Marc pulled everything off at least as well as I would have done - probably better. He was fully capable, and although the party was ever so slightly different because he was at the helm, it was also more relaxing for both of us once I let go. There were even leftovers (especially bagels, of course).

What did I learn? I learned once again that trusting my equally sharing husband is a really good idea. I learned that my way is not the only way, and that a party can be excellent even if you don't shop until the night before or clean until that morning. I learned that I'm fortunate to have a partner who, because of his equal competence in the home, was able to step right up to the role I'd vacated without having to ask me how to do it. I learned that I'd rather prioritize our equality than my fear of outsider judgment.

As the family was leaving, my mother-in-law thanked me specifically for a great party and then turned to say goodbye to her son. It was only then that I mentioned that this had been Marc's show and I had been only the helper. By now, she knows us well enough to not be surprised, and so she redirected her gaze to Marc and gave him a hug.

I can now say this was an experiment well worth my anxiety. Even if Marc had failed, this would not have been a reason for me to take back control next time (or heaven forbid, right during the party). A disaster would have simply allowed us to discuss the mistakes later as a team. His failure would have been part of his learning curve rather than my 'I told you so.'

All my learning today took place before the party began. The real success wasn't that Marc turned out to be capable, but that I was able to let him take over.

I hope I can remember my lessons for next time.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Bagels and Tacos

I'm trying to face a few fears today. The source of those fears is old, going back a couple of years for me. It is about how preparing for and hosting a party reflects on women far more than it does on men in our culture, and how I personally - despite all my ESP beliefs - grip tightly to this responsibility. Marc has to practically pry it from me with force. Yes, I'm the Head Party Planner - I'll admit. I generally enjoy it - and it would be acceptable for me to hold onto this job if my intentions were as noble as my own enjoyment. But they aren't. I keep control because I doubt Marc's competence and because I want things done to my standards. I toil, I direct, I stress. So not ESP!

I think the problem began with the bagels. Marc comes from a big family that lives nearby, and every month they all gather together at a different house to hang out, catch up and celebrate all the birthdays that fall during that month. We usually host this event twice a year. One year, we planned a brunch followed by inline skating at a nearby park. In preparing, I envisioned a plentiful feast - perhaps French toast, fruit salad, scones, sausage. Marc, alas, said with all sincerity, "I think we have a few bagels in the freezer already. That should be enough." AHHHHHGGH.

Then there was the year we hosted the family with a Mexican themed buffet. I took over and the feast was indeed plentiful. I even insisted Marc go to the store the night before for emergency taco shells - a few extra boxes just in case. The meal turned out plentiful alright. So plentiful, in fact, that we ate tacos for months afterward without leaving the house. Marc still recounts with glee the sheer volume of taco shells left over after the last guest departed. We may still have some. Oops.

Okay, so perhaps together we can get it right? No. I still hold on, fearing a bagel famine and subsequent embarrassment as the hostess of record.

I know this is silly, especially with such a forgiving audience as Marc's own family. So, I'm facing those fears now. This weekend is another such gathering at our house. It's another brunch, with bagels on the menu in fact. But I'm choosing a new path...I'm honest-to-God turning over the party planning to Marc. Days are ticking by - there is no to-do list in sight, no groceries have been purchased, the house is hardly party-clean.

Calm down, breathe deep. I can do it. What's the worst that can happen? These people love us, and they aren't expecting tarte tatin with homemade quince and sour cherry compote (gee, that sounds good...). They know Marc lives here too, and I know they won't really judge me if the food runs out (but why, oh why, not just buy extra in case?). I trust the house will be clean enough (probably). I know all of these things are true - truer than any of my worries. I know it is important for me to let go because I don't want social expectations to rule me. I know this is a really good experiment for me.

Wait a minute. I do know what is the worst thing that could happen! It could be that I never really let go. With gritted teeth, I nag Marc to remember this and think of that, and never give him the space to do this his way. I guarantee myself that Party Planner title for life. And miss out on the fact that I could actually relax and let it happen.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

From the Trenches

Just wanted to share a comment that Michelle posted recently at Work It, Mom!, in response to the Software Mom blog entry I mentioned last week. If you recall, Software Mom was wary of ESP because she felt it consisted of spreadsheets, time charts and intense negotiations. I hope Software Mom doesn't feel too picked on because I'm writing about her twice - no ill intentions! But this comment by Michelle is so worthy of repeating:

"The conversations that we have about parenting are not overwhelming, horribly time consuming or really all that complicated. In fact, we both greatly enjoy the level of detail we each get about the others' day with our three girls because we both want to be a part of the nitty gritty of caring for them. Our schedules (and we do use a calendar) keep us updated on what is going on in one another's lives in ways that are meaningful outside of the girls (e.g. I know he had an important quote to do yesterday and he can see that I've had quite a few client meetings this week). This helps us give each other extra room when the other needs it and just adds to the connection in our relationship. We do have our areas of expertise - he does most of the car stuff, for example, and I do most of the meal planning. Nobody "sits [the other] down" to have a long, intense discussion. We both WANT to share caring for our girls equally and we WANT to share domestic duties and we WANT to do meaningful, engaging work outside of our household responsibilities. So, it's not a burden. On the contrary, it is a great pleasure to have these conversations. And because we do them relatively effortlessly, they are actually far less frequent than the conversations we get to have about things totally unrelated to our domestic situation. I really do respect the choice not to do equally shared parenting. I would never try to convince anyone to use this approach who wasn't compelled to do it by their own interest. I can also say, though, that of the (quite a few) equally shared parenting couples I know, there are NONE who are wishing they were parenting some other way."

I could not have written this any more accurately or eloquently. I love the idea that sharing a calendar the way Michelle describes brings added closeness to her relationship. And, yes, it is the mutual wanting that makes the difference. Way to go, Michelle!

Monday, August 04, 2008

Part-Time Unicorn

A common assumption about ESP is that it requires a couple to achieve what many feel is impossible - two part-time jobs. In the same location, no less. And do we dare hope for each job to pay well enough, provide adequate health care benefits, and be rewarding to each person? This does seem like a tall order. Let's break this down a bit before getting too discouraged, however....

1. Does ESP require part-time work? No, it doesn't. ESP means that two parents work about the same amount of time, and that there is no primary vs 'less-than' career. So while it wouldn't be equal if he works 50+ hours a week and she works 20, two full-time jobs that hover around the standard 40-45 hours would certainly qualify. To get to the tender, meaty, best part of ESP, however, we want both partners to have balanced lives - not just equal job hours. If both parents work full-time, they will each have less time for the other parts of their lives than if they could reduce their work hours. This is just a mathematical truth unless someone has found a way to increase a day beyond 24 hours. So, the more you work, the more difficult it will be to balance your life if you are like most people. For some, work is largely an invigorating, inspiring and fantastic activity; people who enjoy their work so highly (and we all would love that, right?) get far more from their jobs than a paycheck, some socializing and accomplishment. I would argue that work can also be part of the recreation domain in this case, and that a demanding full-time job doesn't preclude a balanced life. And for some people who are used to working 50 hours a week, a 'drop' to 40 hours frees up a whole 10 hours a week to create this balance! Bottom line, we know many ESP couples who work full time.

2. What is part-time anyway? We also know couples who manage to thrive on two 20-hour positions. But most families require a bit more income than this level of employment would provide. Amy and I both work 32 hours a week, for example. Many companies, including both of ours, offer adequate health benefits at this level of work. And some companies (e.g., the government, or Marc's previous employer) consider 35 hours to be a standard full-time work week. So really, why are we all hung up on a small jump below the magic number of 40? We shouldn't be. The great news is that by slightly reducing your work hours, and accepting a slight pay reduction, it is far easier to feel like the rest of life can fit into your week. Even time for yourself.

3. Where are all these part-time jobs? Recent data show that many people (primarily women) want part-time work but only a small percentage of them can find it. And a common complaint is that the part-time jobs out there are scut work no one would enjoy doing for very long. There is some truth to these worries. It took me many months to find a reduced hours position that challenges me and pays enough, and where I'm considered a full contributor despite the fact that I leave early two days a week. It was not easy; in fact it was discouraging and frustrating to be denied fantastic positions I know I could have excelled at just because I wanted to invest 32 hours rather than 40 into my working life. But like the quest for a mate amid all the dating that doesn't pan out, I knew I only needed one. And eventually I found it. My feat is nothing extraordinary and I'm just a regular guy. That means you can do this too. You can ask, ask again, move on to another job or line of work if necessary, and eventually you'll hit pay dirt. And the more of you who reach for what you want, the more employers will listen if they want to attract and retain talented workers. The world considers it perfectly legitimate that employees continually job-search while on the job. It is normal to leave a job for another that pays more or represents a step up. Why don't we allow ourselves to move up to a job that makes us happier and gives us more time for what we want in life? To me, these are life's true currencies.

If you want to devote all your waking hours and your soul to your job, ESP would fit your life much the same way the desert suits a walrus. Don't bother. Just smile at us silly people who want balance and equality, and move on. But don't tell us it isn't possible. Part-time or full-time, we'll find a way just like you'll find a way to climb.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Odds and Ends from 'Work-It Mom!'

There is something for everyone on the 'Work-It Mom!' website, ranging from innovative and fresh ideas to the mostly stale voice of its sole dad-writer, Avi Spivack, kowtowing to the greatness of mothers. And recently, there have been a few interesting ESP-related articles. Here's a sampling of what caught my eye:

1. Regular blogger Lylah Alphonse has a post entitled My Husband is Cleaning. Shouldn't I be More Psyched? that explores the guilt some (make that many) women feel when their husbands start to scrub and vacuum. She feels that this is supposed to be her duty, somehow, and feels ashamed that she can't keep up with it and her poor hubby has to get annoyed enough to 'help.' Her post brings up a great topic, but of course you can tell where I'm heading.... Get over it! That voice in your head giving you a hard time is decades of cultural conditioning, not truth. Recognize it, name it, and kick it to the corner. She ends by concluding that "Instead of being upset that I can't do it all, I'm going to try to be grateful that my husband is doing this." No - not grateful as in 'oh thank you, my savior,' but perhaps grateful to be in an equal partnership. She ends with a more hopeful line: "Maybe, together we can get it all done, if we take turns." Yes, what a great idea!

2. Lylah has another interesting post called Dad On Duty: Is He As Good as Mom? that asks the question "How can moms complain that dads aren't involved enough or nurturing enough if they don't trust their husbands to be good parents without supervision?" Big thumbs up to Lylah for calling out moms' micromanaging as a factor in men's willingness to co-parent or even pitch in.

3. Then there's a member blog post by someone called Software Mom on Equally Shared Parenting and the Mommy Track. Here our very own ESP.com gets dismissed for the usual sin of "Spreadsheets. Time charts. Long discussions. Intense negotiations. The very words are enough to make me break out in hives." She then goes on to compare the required discussions for ESP to work with her college roommates posting a list of mandated chores and expecting her to follow them. Hmmm... This seems just opposite from the spirit of ESP. If you click over to the Toolbox section of this website, you'll indeed find some worksheets (not spreadsheets, mind you) that interested couples might want to use as a springboard to discussing how to become equal partners in each domain of ESP. These worksheets are highly optional, however; so much so that we've never used them ourselves outside of conducting workshops. But some people love them, so there they are. Time charts - never. Long discussions - hardly. Discussions - yes! So that both partners know their concerns can be heard, without judging each other, and so that together they can create the best option for sharing the family duties. Intense negotiations - no way. What's missing from this author's understanding of ESP is that both partners deeply want equality. Hence, the 'negotiations' are a joy. Software Mom concludes with a description of her own division of household labor (weighted toward herself): "It's a path that isn't available or right for everyone, but it's right for us, right now." Yes - I sincerely applaud this idea. She's figured out the right balance for her (and hopefully for her partner). That's what we ESP couples are doing too. With a little discussion here and there (and sometimes no words needed at all).

This is Amy Vachon, reporting from the 'Work-It Mom!' headquarters. Now back to you, world.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Preparing for Fatherhood

Men are disadvantaged in the quest for equally shared parenting from long before their babies are born. I'm not complaining or anything, but by the time a woman gives birth, she has had 9 months to physically prepare - her body has changed internally and externally, she had felt the baby move and kick, she has endured all manner of aches and nausea. Psychologically, I think this is nature's way of assuring that she'll be a strong mother since she has already sacrificed so much before she even meets the little person she'll be responsible for the rest of her life (together with equal responsibility by her husband, of course). Add to this the pains of labor and delivery, and then our culture's expectation that moms are in charge and our workplace expectation that moms get months of maternity leave while dads get a couple of weeks if they are lucky, and you have a set up for inequality. Moms can get way, way ahead of dads.

Parents who plan to equally share childraising can do a lot to overcome some of these barriers - the cultural and workplace ones at least. But the natural ones won't budge (unless more men gestate and give birth).

Well, one guy made an attempt to create his own way around this nature barrier. When he learned that his wife was pregnant, he rather inexplicably started to grow a beard. He didn't plan to do so, but a gut-level urge overcame him and he found himself making a personal vow not to cut his facial hair until his baby was born. The beard grew and grew, getting scraggly and bushy. He became a mountain man who drew stares from strangers.

When I first ran across his story of this crazy stunt (well worth the read - click over), I thought it was kind of corny. A beard is not a living baby. It is completely optional to the baby-making machinery. But his story grew on me (pardon the pun), and I found myself pondering the value of his attempt to prepare for his fatherhood. Did his beard give him a new identity, like a pregnant woman seems to become her pregnancy her near the end? Did it show the outside world something as drastic as a woman must show when her belly is the size of a beach ball? Did it help him feel the weight of this transition from man to father?

I'm not ready to advocate all men immediately make some drastic body alteration upon viewing the results of their wives' pregnancy tests. But I get it at a deeper level. We could do well to prepare to become fathers in a way that approximates what nature forces our partners to do. Because unless our children become ours through adoption, our babies will always be more of a mental, emotional and physical surprise to us than to our partners. It was this way for me, but then again, I'm not much of a planner anyway. I caught up to Amy pretty quickly because we were both dedicated to making this happen. But how might men mark their passage to fatherhood? What have you, or your partner, done to cross this bridge?

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Romance of Shared Housework

The Council on Contemporary Families released a briefing paper earlier this month that sheds light on the link between sharing housework (and breadwinning) and the strength of a marriage. The evidence is mounting, according to the paper, that couples who share these two domains are less likely to divorce.

The paper's author, sociologist Lynne Price Cook, mentions that some people claim that traditional male-breadwinner, female-caretaker marriages are more successful than marriages with two breadwinners, but then explains that this is only true if the woman in a two-breadwinner family continues to do all (or presumably almost all) the housework - the classic 'second shift.' In fact, according to Price Cook's own research, the couples who share both of these domains are the happiest.

Price Cook makes an interesting statement in this briefing paper; one that I would like to understand better by examining the raw data. She says that the optimum balance of workload (for lowest divorce rate) is when the man earns 60% of the family's money and the woman does 60% of the housework. In other words, what she calls a 40/60 split in each domain (although this definition does not match with our own, since she is using money to divide the breadwinning, not time spent working). She says that her data show "the divorce risk begins to rise again when a wife starts earning as much or more than her husband and he does more of the housework. But this risk does not exceed that of male breadwinner marriages until the woman earns more than 80 percent of the couple's income." Her conclusion is that neither Mr. Mom (SAHD) nor Father Knows Best (SAHM) is a stable marital arrangement today.

It makes sense to me that the most stable arrangement is one in which couples share these domains. I agree that when one person owns a domain (either housework or breadwinning) to a large extent, this can destablize marriages in which partners were expecting a more equitable and balanced way of relating to each other. So far, so good. I can even buy that her data show a 40/60 split to be the most stable balance point - because this is where our culture currently allows couples to safely go.

Men still connect their self-worth to their breadwinning prowess in our culture, and women connect theirs with their ability to care for home and children. So it is likely still uncomfortable for many couples to be true equals in these areas. Not because they can't be, but because they are holding on to gendered assumptions about their roles, and all their friends are doing the same.

Going 50/50 can be risky. Not as risky, per this paper, as going traditional or reverse traditional, but 50/50 can still push people's buttons if they don't consciously reject cultural expectations and if they cannot ground themselves in their own dreams instead. I think that's why some reactions to ESP are so dismissive; it can be threatening.

But once you're past this artificial barrier, the fear becomes a non-issue. Fifty/fifty is fantastic to those of us who want it. My guess, and of course I'm biased here, is that Price Cook's data might look different if she measured time spent working rather than money earned (and I wonder if she had enough true 50/50 couples to compare with 40/60 couples to reach statistical significance on the difference in divorce rates). I also believe (and perhaps she does too) that she is reporting something that will be changing rapidly. Younger couples, for example, likely find social role norms far less important than older couples. My gut tells me they'll crash right through those artificial barriers and keep going without much discomfort. And they will reach the 50/50 promised land.

You can too. Anyone can, if they are ready.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Enormous Advantage

Great article in The Independent (UK) today about equally shared parenting - and other parenting models that place dad on par with mom at home and in the workplace. It seems that Britain is poised to extend the duration of its parental leave policy to a full year, of which all but the first 26 weeks can be taken by fathers. I'd like to see even the first 26 weeks be available to fathers too - so that both parents can learn about caring for their baby alongside each other and mothers are not given such a head start on everything - but I digress.

What's nice about this article is how excited the author is about fathers' equal involvement in raising children - how the author believes this benefits men, kids and women too. Here are some quotes (italics are mine):

"Thousands [of fathers] work part-time, along with their partners, so that they can share the parenting." Thousands? Love it!

"The pathetic wail of, "I want my mummy!", is already turning, quite often, into "I want my daddy!" Sounds like our house.

"Finally, it looks as if the tide is starting to turn....to a time of greater equality and more shared parenting. Something that seems to me to be of enormous advantage to absolutely everyone." Although I know that ESP is not for everyone, I like the idea that making ESP accessible to everyone is an enormous advantage. And more shared parenting? Wow, we might even qualify as a trend soon!

The article goes on to profile a few involved fathers, most of whom seem to be ESP dads. It's a really nice round up - check it out!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Top 11 Reasons ESP is Growing

Okay, I cheated. The first 10 reasons are here in this Strollerderby blog from Babble magazine - a great list of ways our society is changing to make it more acceptable for men to be involved and equal parents. The list ranges from small physical signs like diaper changing stations available in some men's bathrooms to more all-out evidence like a growing number of breadwinner women.

Here's my eleventh reason: Because Daddy and Mommy want it. Yes, according to leading sociologists, Generation X and Y parents want equal marriages and balanced lives more than they want almost anything else. Definitely more than power jobs that take either parent away from family. This is true for both women and men; in fact, 2/3rds of men in this demographic say this is what they want.

The article starts by intimating that ESP may be an impossible dream. Ah - not so! Equal parenting is not an exact, black-and-white situation. Think of it as co-parenting in which both partners have a general goal of being equal in their involvement with the kids, home, career and self, and then it becomes perfectly attainable. Not perfect, but perfectly attainable.

These little signs that traditional mom-lead childraising is not the only option will snowball over time. Right now, we have a small number of ESP parents forging ahead against still-strong cultural and workplace barriers. But soon, as role models lead the way, it will take slightly less courage for the next wave of men to ask for a reduced-hours work schedule, take paternity leave or show up in public with their own diaper bag. And then someday each of these things will become so commonplace that they'll be easy to claim by any man who wants them. A critical mass will be reached and ESP will be an obvious option right up there with all the other standard family arrangements. I just know it....

Hat tip to Daddy Dialectic for linking to this Babble blog.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Going with the Flow

We are just back tonight from a few days visiting my family in Michigan, and I have a moment to post up something I thought about on the plane ride home before I head off to bed. We were on a packed plane, with two seats in row 23 on the left and two seats in row 24 on the right. A few very good natured passengers endured Marc and me passing stuffed animals, a laptop, snacks and other items over their heads for the duration of the flight. Two tired, somewhat cranky kids who were sad to leave their grandmother and cousins made it through with the help of this juggling.

As I settled down for the last half hour descent, I thought about one of the things ESP means to me. It means I don't have to spend one minute thinking "I'm stuck doing more again" - even if I might actually do more on any given day. If I was a SAHM, I might not think this either - I'd hopefully be settled into the idea that it was my responsibility to do all the childcare most of the time. But if I was a mom who hoped for a partner who pulled his weight and was disappointed time and again when I was left with the bulk of the childcare, I would probably be mumbling this under my breath frequently. With ESP, all of the sharing is built into our lives - the daily schedules, the planning, and the natural way of relating to each other. Not because we nitpick every task so that it comes out equal (I can hear the Greek chorus starting up its chant of scorekeeping); just because we both want things to be generally equal and both assume they will be.

With ESP, if I find myself doing the majority of the childcare for a stretch, my first reaction isn't annoyance with Marc. It's more likely to be annoyance with myself for not cherishing the time I have with the kids while they are still young. And to me, that makes it a lot easier to go with the flow.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Unintended Consequences of Inequality

In April 2007, Britain extended its maternity leave benefit to a full year for mothers. Supporters were thrilled to see such a giant step in the direction of supporting families and their ability to spend time with their children. However, the BBC News reported yesterday that there may have been some unintended consequences of this legislation. It appears that "some employers were thinking twice about offering women (of childbearing ages) jobs or promotion(s)."

I'm sure it's already illegal in Britain to discriminate against women who are of childbearing age so it's not likely a new law will be used to solve this problem. Instead, a possible solution could be to turn the maternity leave into a parental leave policy. Even this move is not a quick fix because women would probably continue to take the majority of the leave, primarily due to cultural expectations. But what if the leave could be made a "use it or lose it" benefit for each parent. Six months paid time off for mom followed by six months paid time off for dad. Either parent can opt out of the benefit for any reason.

I realize there are other factors to consider here, such as how this idea might be modified for single parents, mental or physical illness or divorce, but I firmly believe that policies should be gender neutral if we, as a society, are going to break down the cultural barriers that reinforce inequality. And, as in this example, harm women.

Hat tip to Rachel, a generous reader in Estonia, for sending us this news story!

Monday, July 14, 2008

From Traditional Marriage to Equal Sharing

Joining our Real Life Stories page are Michelle and Jim, a couple who had a traditional marriage until they carefully planned a conversion to equally shared parenting. Michelle has transitioned from a stay-at-home mother to a writer and writing/communication coach, and her husband Jim is a small business owner who runs a parking lot maintenance company and also partners with Michelle in her coaching business.

Jim and Michelle have worked out a schedule that allows them approximately equal solo-parenting time, time at work, and time for themselves (they have a regular weekly date night too). And although their schedule may seem complex to us outsiders, it runs smoothly for them because they both know where they need to be when, and because they both value what the arrangement brings to their lives. This couple is, above all, extremely thankful for their ESP relationship - for the balance they each receive, for the sharing, and for what they feel their equal involvement brings to their three children.

Thank you, Michelle and Jim, for adding your voices to our Real Life Stories!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Keeping Score

Let's tackle another big criticism of ESP today - one that has been mentioned in so many blogs and comments to Lisa Belkin's NY Times Magazine article that it wins the Anti-ESP Sentiment medal of honor. It's the notion that equal sharing requires, or leads to, scorekeeping and accounting and he says/she says arguing about how many minutes each parent has spent washing the dishes.

Believe me, if my life was reduced to these kinds of activities, I would be the first one to abandon ship. I'm all about having an intimate, warm, loving relationship. That's my main motivator for keeping ESP alive in our own family. How could I possibly be happy if my marriage was reduced to such tedious and friction-filled tallying?

In the NY Times Magazine, there is talk of color-coded charts and making things come out even. I can certainly see how a reader, especially one bent on finding a reason to dislike equal sharing, would jump to the conclusion that Excel spreadsheets were required to distribute the family workload equally between two people.

But think about it. There probably isn't a family in the nation that doesn't require some sort of planning to coordinate the children's care and activities, and the parents' jobs. Maybe it's a big family calendar with Aidan's soccer schedule and Elizabeth's Kindergarten early release days marked on it. Maybe it's the discussion most parents have about which days of daycare to sign up for. Perhaps it is the big discussion many couples have about whether one of them should stay home with the kids and what that might look like financially and practically. And unless one parent does 100% of the childcare and housework (with the other parent doing 0%), they will need to talk occasionally about who is taking Susie to gymnastics on Tuesday and who can stop by the grocery store for milk on the way home tomorrow.

It's not that much different with ESP. Yes, parents who decide they want to share equally in the care of their children and in breadwinning and housework (and recreation time) will need to have an initial discussion of how to structure this. Work schedules, daycare/preschool/school schedules and recreation schedules will all have to be laid out and fit into the family time puzzle. ESP parents will want to piece the puzzle together in a way that feels as close to equal between the parents as possible. Traditional parents will assemble their puzzle in a different way.

Once the basic schedule is laid out, nature takes over. ESP couples will naturally find that they have about equivalent time for housework, and will have built equality into their breadwinning and childraising time. Yes, crazy things like evening meetings, business trips, that girls getaway in Tahoe, or sick children will get in the way. But ESP couples will handle these things the same way any other couple would - by communicating and figuring out the best solution each time.

The big difference between ESP and other family arrangements is that equal sharing couples keep equality in the back of their minds as they go about their lives. In other words, they have an equal-sharing mindset. They know that if Dad just returned from a 3-day fishing trip with his buddies, Mom should feel no guilt about taking a few nights to go out with friends. No one needs to keep score; it just comes out about even because both parties want it to. Both parents know that ESP is their best life, and so they are both motivated (without scorekeeping or judging) to make things fair.

Still...the myth that ESP requires onerous chartkeeping and accounting lives on. It is an easy excuse for those who don't want to consider equal sharing (people we don't want to be in the business of convincing to do so anyway). But for those who might want the equality and balanced lives that ESP provides to both mothers and fathers, I'd like to say this is nonsense! ESP requires contemplation and purposeful decisions that go against our culture. ESP requires two willing participants. But it does not require scorekeeping.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

ESP: The New Babymaker?

A Psychology Today online columnist asks an interesting question of women: "If your partner took on more of the housework and childcare, would you consider having more children?" The question is likely tied to the recent NY Times Magazine story about the declining birth rate in some European countries (although this story is not referenced), with its theory that this trend is inversely related to father involvement in childcare.

The Psychology Today column attempts to connect equally shared parenting with a higher willingness among women to have more children. Hmmm....interesting theory, although I'm not sure we ESP families can (or want to) back it up. Remember that ESP has equal challenges for women as it does for men - in letting go and in staying equally involved in breadwinning. At the very least, I would modify the connection to one between the satisfaction of both partners with their current family arrangement and their interest in adding extra work to their lives in the form of caring for and feeding additional children.

It comes down to whether what you've got is working for you. If it isn't, you would be wise to see the red flags waving you to pull over and halt baby production. We all know that insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. But if you're happy, well, you may or may not want to add to your family, but at least you've got a decent level of satisfaction from which to start the discussion. Happy and willing parents make babies, and babies born into happy homes are off to a good start.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Welcome Brazen Careerist Readers

Just when we felt the blogosphere was quieting down about the NY Times Magazine article, up pops career blogger/columnist Penelope Trunk with a classic attack post today. It is designed to provoke, in Penelope's standard fashion. And the odd thing about it (well, really not so odd because this is how she works, in her brilliant way) is that she ends up half supporting what she starts out to detest - equally shared parenting.

But first, a disclaimer: We've emailed back and forth with Penelope a few times over the past 2 years, and she had been genuinely helpful and fully supportive when we were just starting this website and trying to widen our readership. She seemed super nice and fun, to use her own words.

However, we can't pass up the opportunity to shed new light on some of her attacks:

1. Shared care (the term she uses for ESP) shields people from the reality that their careers are not great.
What she means is that you can't gun for a top management position, competing in the very top of your field, and practice ESP. We agree with you here, Penelope. But who cares? Some people do - those who narrowly define a career as one that can only be accomplished at fever pitch. The odd thing is that we have perfectly appealing careers ourselves, and Penelope might even coach others on how to land positions with titles like ours. But she is defining 'great' by time rather than effort. Jobs that overtake one's life and boost one's ego with big accomplishments are not what Penelope herself says that Gen X/Y want - she says they want balanced lives instead. In which case, they would probably say 'amen' to her definition of 'not so great' careers.

Maybe the best answer to her point about 'not so great' careers is a quote from Penelope herself. This one is from her blog two weeks ago on June 27, 2008: "I know that people who are workaholics are scared of two things: Not being great at work, and having to face an empty personal life. And I'm worried about both." Perhaps high-power careers shield people from the reality that their personal lives are not great. Just a thought.

2. You need a lot of money to do shared care.
This myth has been floating around for a long time - it's one of our top naysayer comments. Penelope adds to it by saying that you need to have family nearby if you're going to do ESP because they will have to bail you out. Huh? Family help is not a part of our lives except on rare occasions; Amy's family lives in the Midwest and mine is in-state but a long car-ride away. In fact, we can't think of another ESP couple (and we know many) that relies on family care.

The money issue is solved by doing the math. Two parents who work reduced hours can result in two decent paychecks (more than the single paycheck awarded to a sole-breadwinner household) and a big reduction in outside childcare costs (remember, we don't use grandma for childcare). Two paychecks also insulate a family against layoffs. But more importantly, take a look at who elects to practice ESP - not the rich, but those who value time over money. In fact, I have a theory that 'lots of money' would be a huge deterent to ESP - not too many high powered, wealthy people are inclined to chuck it all to reduce their hours and be with their families. The irony is that those who could most easily afford not to work at all are those who could not possibly think about cutting back to value something other than accomplishment and yet more wealth gathering.

3. Shared care kills two careers.
Here, Penelope says neither parent can have a decent career when both cut back to do ESP. Again, if you define a viable career as top-of-the-heap, mucho bucks, this may be true. But the very people who aspire to ESP do NOT aspire to these careers. They would stifle them. Penelope highlights Dylan Tweney (a nice guy who has been very supportive of this website) as someone who tried ESP but found he wasn't able to grow his freelance business while 'working 4 hours a day.' Who says anything about 4 hours a day? We work 32 hours a week - hardly 4 hours a day. Many people would be thrilled to have careers like those of many ESP couples we know. Yes, it may be hard to land jobs that allow perfect ESP schedules in today's business world, but it is not impossible - and if you want something bad enough, it is worth the effort. Gen X/Y are demanding flexible jobs and more time with family, which means that these possibilities will likely open up tremendously in the near future. And traditional marriages with a stay-at-home spouse kill one career for sure (at least temporarily); if that's what both partners want, hurray, but if it is not....

Another quote from Penelope in a blog post from August 18, 2007: "So if you're considering taking a job that requires long hours so that you can make a load of money, don't do it...consider seriously the idea of making more time for yourself by agreeing to earn less money."

4. Shared care requires an unlikely match of personalities in a marriage.
The argument here is that two caretaking personalities don't fall for each other, and ESP requires two caretaking personalities to marry and have kids. Penelope admits to no data to back up her theory, so I'll throw a harebrained theory of my own up here. Our culture has conditioned men to marry down and women to marry up for a long, long time. Therefore, most couples position the man to succeed outside the home and woman to take care of the home so he can. That's not to say every woman is happy about this and every man loves being burdened with primary breadwinning. ESP is a way for both partners to have balanced lives, something that Penelope has pointed to again and again in past blog posts as a deep desire of Gen X/Y couples - both men and women.

Here's a quote from Penelope in her blog on March 18, 2007: "Today men and women have shared goals: More time for family and friends, and more respect for personal growth at work for everyone, not just the high-ranking or the hardest-working. We are at a shift. The majority of men under thirty say they are willing to give up pay and power to spend time with kids."

5. Shared care caters only to detail-oriented types.
Arghh. The old color-coded charts argument again. I'm about the least detail-oriented guy you can dig up. I hate structure and planning and checklists. Amy loves them. But we still manage to co-manage our home and co-parent our kids. ESP means you have to talk about how you're going to divide things initially, and then periodically check in with each other, because you and your spouse are a team. In exchange for this level of communication in my marriage, I get to have my own home - from how it is run to how it is furnished - reflect me (not just Amy), and that feels authentic.

The bottom line is that Penelope tried what she says was shared care in her own marriage (she's currently divorcing) and didn't like it. Her personal ESP description seems a lot more like reverse-traditional than ESP, however, so I'd be curious to know more. But I don't need to either. ESP is not, and never will be, the right family model for everyone. It is perfect for me and Amy, perfect for many other couples we know, and perfect for many couples who might not even know it is possible.

At the end of her blog attack, Penelope admits that ESP is one of the ways Generation X is expressing their desire to put parenting before anything else (meaning careers). Yes, well perhaps. I'd say parenting and balanced lives.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Canadian Real Life Story

I'm happy to announce the posting of another new Real Life Story. This one comes from Carl, an academic psychologist with now-grown children, who reminisces about the 11 years he and his psychologist wife worked part-time to share in raising their children. Carl's story is a powerful example of how important equally shared parenting can be to a couple, and how they can overcome societal barriers to it if they want it badly enough. In Carl's case, his arrangement cost him his newly-earned tenure status, and he made the climb back to tenure slowly after his children were older and didn't need their parents at home as much.

Please click over to his inspirational story for more details. And my heartfelt thank you to Carl for sharing it with us.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Expecting Men to be Involved Dads

The NY Times Magazine continued to highlight some important family structure issues this past week with "No Babies?" It looks at why birth rates vary, often downward, throughout the world. One notable exception is the US where birth rates continue to hover around the "replacement rate" of 2.1 births per woman. Many would suggest that this may be because the US is relatively affluent but the piece disputes this as the main reason. Instead they offer:

The old conservative argument - that a traditional, working-husband and stay-at-home wife family structure produces a healthy, growing population - doesn't apply, either in the U.S. or anywhere else in the world today. Indeed, the societies most wedded to maintaining that traditional family structure seem to be those with the lowest birthrates. The antidote, in Western Europe, has been the welfare-state model, in which the state provides comprehensive support to couples that want to have children. But the U.S. runs counter to this. Some commentators explain its healthy birthrate in terms of the relatively conservative and religiously oriented nature of American society, which both encourages larger families. It's also true that mores have evolved in the U.S. to the point where not only is it socially acceptable for fathers to be active participants in raising children, but it's also often socially unacceptable for them to do otherwise.

I think my answer to how other men treat me for being so involved in my home life will now change. According to the most recent data, it's socially unacceptable to do anything else.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Hope

Some of my favorite emails these days are ones from young, unmarried, childless, often completely unattached women. Women who can't imagine having children with someone who would be less than an equal partner, but who have been beaten down in their idealism for thinking they could find a man who would want this too. The discussion of ESP in the NY Times has resonated in their souls, and they have wandered over to this website in search of hope.

I am here to proclaim that their dreams can rest on far more than hope. I, too, had this dream, and I'm extremely thankful I didn't settle for a partner who didn't share it. Judging from some of my previous partner-contenders, I narrowly escaped a life of traditional household burden and full childraising responsibility (however joyful children are, for those who bristle at the thought that a mother might actually say her children are burdensome). But through a combination of luck and something like "it had to be this way," I found a guy who not only shares my desire for an equal partnership, but would have refused to marry me and create children with me if I felt otherwise.

I am not the luckiest woman on Earth, and Marc is not a saint. There are solid reasons why ESP appeals to both of us and is in fact the only way we can fathom to live. In a nutshell, ESP gives us two coveted possessions: Equality and Balance. More than any worldly riches, I want an equal partner to walk through life with, and Marc wants a balanced life with breathing room for fun and joy. And these qualities are what the majority of young women and men say they want, according to statistics from leading sociologists studying Generation Y and as evidenced by the many emails we've received from men and women in this age group.

So, to all the young women (and men) out there hoping that their someday-partners will accept and embrace their dream of ESP, I say you are in good company. Your pool of mates is ever widening, and you are a prize catch. Hold out for someone who shares your vision, and who doesn't have to be convinced of its merits, and together you can forge the right path for you.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Not the Same Ol' Same Old

Another one of the themes among the critics of ESP is the notion of "What's so special about this? Everyone I know is already doing it." If you define ESP as an arrangement in which two parents share running their family, I would agree with this criticism. Most couples have discussions about how to divide up the tasks of running a home, even if the end result is far from equal. But we're talking about something quite different with ESP. With ESP, each parent feels neither of them does more at home and that neither of their careers is considered less important than the other's. Both say they participate equally in household management and decision-making, and in the depth of their relationship with their children.

Now, no ESP couple practices perfect equality - so technically no one can claim exact 50/50 sharing. But assume that the viewpoint is more of an overall equality of ownership and involvement. The sad truth is that, today, few couples practice ESP. I can usually tell those who do because their eyes light up when I mention the topic and they can't wait to chime in with, "Wow - us too, and we've always felt different than others." That's not to say non-ESP couples aren't happy, or that they couldn't work toward equal sharing if they felt it appealed to them. We firmly believe that any couple can practice ESP if both partners want it enough, and if both are willing to traverse the barriers society and life put up to get there.

The world is not a bad place because not every parenting couple operates like an ESP family. In fact, I imagine parts of the world would suffer if 'everyone does it.' Who would run for President, for example? A couple of interesting articles printed in the wake of the NY Times story on ESP have compared Marc and me to Barack and Michelle Obama. The Obamas are closer to an equal couple than any other (hopeful) presidential couple has ever been, with Michelle playing the primary breadwinner role in their past and not content to be only the woman behind the man. But I don't think the world is ready for a President who's life is in balance - who is responsible for half of the childraising and housework functions of the family (despite the high level of outsourcing afforded a President of the US). No, we want being the President to be a 24/7 job, interrupted only by the sleep required of the human body. So the Obamas can't be an ESP couple right now.

To get back to the argument that equal sharing is the American norm, let me end this post by describing ESP in a bit more detail than our 'official' definition in our What is Equally Shared Parenting? essay. ESP is the equal sharing, on average, of each of four domains of family life between an intact couple with children; those domains are housework (or all the work, including one-time projects, of running the home), childraising, breadwinning and recreation (or time for self). Yes, many couples share - even equally - the daily repetitive housework. But when you share equally in each of the four domains, the rare magic of ESP comes through!